The 'How I Met Your Mother' PoV

I'm writing a quick post because i've been thinking about something for awhile and i've decided to write it out and see how these thoughts come out.

without going into too much detail about any person or situation specifically, I'll just begin by saying that O'm often in the position of the friend who the boyfriend dislikes. Occasionally this is my fault, and maybe I've been a little too close to (or friendly with) certain females in my life. Occasionally it is due to overly jealous boyfriends who consider being possessive of their significant other to be the same as being loving and protective of them. In general, I blame the boyfriend more often than not. and since it's my story, i think i'm probably not too abnormal in doing so, since it's much more natural for me to see, understand, and ultimately side with myself in these matters.

i'm not above these feelings of jealousy, and i have at one point or another felt as though some line had been crossed which made me very uncomfortable, or maybe i just wasn't sure about the relationship between a particular girl i was with or what have you. So, i'm not writing this pretending that i'm perfect or completely beyond jealousy (though i don't believe i've ever been possessive as i've seen in many others).

however, due to recent events, i've come to a conclusion that i'd like to explore to some extent. and i've based it on the tv series How I Met Your Mother (HIMYM). For those of you unfamiliar with the series, it is essentially a man telling his children everything that happened in his life socially, personally, and romantically which eventually led to him meeting the mother of his children.

After a recent "run in" with an immature possessive boyfriend, wherein he thought verbal (written, to be specific) threats were the best way to get his point across, I decided to respond in kind. not with threats, but simply with words. i explained my side of things. i said that i wasn't interested in his girlfriend, and didn't want to 'steal' her. on and on and on, and in the end, he didn't let up, and my (now former) friend couldn't seem to see the problem with his behavior, nor could she tell me she had a problem with mine (which i told to both her and the boy that if she had an issue, all she had to do was say so...but i digress). but through all this, I tried seeing it as a father explaining things to his children. if that guy and that girl stay together and eventually get married, have kids, the whole nine, then i wonder how that story goes.

i would fully expect that in his narrative, i'm of course going to come off as the bad guy, but objectively (or as objectively as i can see something having been in the middle of it) it seems clear to me that not only was his possessiveness in the wrong, but his choice of how to deal with it (threats and attempted bullying) was as well. so in an effort to maintain the semblance of objectivity, at least in a future-conscious, retrospective manner, I came up with something to consider based on HIMYM.

If we have kids, how will the story go? would i want to tell the true story of how it all happened? could i tell my children proudly that i demanded their mother cut ties with her friends because i didn't like them? could i tell them that i threatened someone who repeatedly claimed to have no romantic interest in their mother? what would i tell them?

we all have our own stories. our own narratives. our own perspective. but i can't help but wonder how you spin it if you're the bad guy. i know jealousy can happen. i know everyone has issues, and problems. but i can't imagine sitting with my children and explaining to them how i forced their mother to give up her friends (of course this raises other issues as to the strength of this hypothetical mother who is strong-armed, so to speak, into doing what her boyfriend wanted. would you want her as the mother of your children? i suppose if you're the kind of guy who expects to possess his girlfriend, then that's exactly who you'd want to be the mother of your children...)

so, in closing, i've taken a look at myself, and i think it's an important question i should keep in mind...if so-and-so is to be the mother of my children, is our story one i'd want to tell?

i've rambled enough. thanks for reading.

boredom and frustration induced rant

i decided i needed to vent, but since i had nobody to vent TO, i decided to return to the long lost blog which i didn't so much forget about as lose interest in. maybe i miss the point entirely, or maybe it's just not something i have it in me to do very frequently. like tweeting. i've joined the twitter community, so to speak, but i don't really have much to say that i want, need, or especially care enough about to share with the 5 people who might read it. but i'm back to blogging, and unlike other posts, i have an actual plan for this one. though it may seem petty, i'm going to complain (might be too harsh a word, but i'll use it just to be safe) about someone i used to be friends with (without naming any names).

basically, while i was friends with this person, i was hovering around a fairly low point where i was quite upset about my loneliness and lack of a girlfriend. it's very juvenile perhaps, but i think almost everyone who happens to be single feels that way. but in any case, this girl - the friend of mine who i'll call anna - would consistently tell me that i was being ridiculous and that i should figure out how to be happy by myself before i worried about finding someone else to make me happy. her basic point in all the criticism was that she seemed to think my life was empty and i just needed someone to swoop in and fill it and fix it and make me happy. that would be a problem, and i never disputed the truth of this argument, because i acknowledge that it is important to be happy and comfortable enough in your own life and in your own skin before branching out too far. however, i simply believed and continue to believe that her profession never applied to be. whatever i said, she never seemed satisfied that her point was being heard - or at the very least she never grasped that i understood, accepted, and supported this. to anna, the simple fact that i 'wanted a girlfriend:' someone with whom to share experiences, conversation, happiness, companionship, etc. meant that i was an unfulfilled being who needed her input on how my life was faulty. besides my main issue that i was perfectly content with myself for some of the time, i was simply not happy being alone all the time. who besides the naive or misanthropic is truly happy alone at all times? maybe some are, but i am not. and i don't see that as a problem. if humans were complete on their own, we wouldn't have societies, communities, friendships, relationships, emotional connections, or a desire for any of those things... in conclusion, she expressed these ideas to me - that my attitude of being upset at being alone was not only incorrect, but that the desire itself was also wrong.

one problem.

she was the same way. maybe she never expressed it the same way as i did, or she never confided it in anyone (least of all me), but there were definitely the same things at play. she was grumpy all the time, seemed to take her relationships with guys as a major sign of her life improving, whenever it didn't work out her attitude and mood fell.

now anna has a boyfriend.

everything is sunshine and rainbows and she seems happier than i've ever seen her and from everything i can tell, it's as happy as anyone has ever seen her. great. good for her. i really do hope they're happy, but i can't handle the hypocrisy of it all, where her pissy mood is acceptable because she keeps the reasons to herself, but if i mention my frustration with the state of things, suddenly my focus is misplaced and i'm an unfulfilled person who needs to re-evaluate his own life.

maybe i'm just sounding bitter, but i don't mean to. really, i just want to know if i'm insane for thinking this is...insane?!

that is all. hope you enjoyed (again, the 5 people who might read this)...

and thanks for reading.

Frustrations #1

There's been a lot of stuff going on - some minor, some major. but in general it's just been annoying. car issues, computer issues, job issues, friend issues, and self issues. lately, I've been feeling this strong urge to perform a spring cleaning of sorts. anyone who knows me realizes that this is not a phrase i would typically use. cleaning isn't something I particularly like to do, nor is it something I go out of my way to do, let alone feel an urge to do. so, this spring cleaning is not literal, but rather personal, emotional, and social. I want to clean out my life, so to speak. I've been in this same spot for the past 18 months. literally. nothing has changed (for the better), and I've made no progress in any aspect of my life. it's incredibly frustrating, but not overwhelmingly so, just an ever-present frustration in the back of my mind.

maybe it would be better if the frustration were overwhelming. maybe it would be best for me and my life if I were unable to cope with the state of things, thus forcing me to take action, but somehow I doubt that'd be the best option. instead, I feel the need to make some sort of change simply because I want to, not necessarily because I need to. that's better, right? making a choice rather than reacting out of necessity? there are a few major places in my life that I feel the desire to change: bodily, socially, occupationally, and mentally. Granted, these changes essentially encompass everything in life, but luckily I have some specific ideas. I'll begin with the simplest to discuss - bodily.

since I was 5 years old, I've had weight issues. or rather, I've had food issues for my whole life. I love food, and as cliche as it sounds, food is comforting, reliable, and almost always the easiest answer to most questions without an otherwise easy answer. it's dumb (and don't tell me it's not). but food issues became weight issues, and weight issues became body image issues, and body image issues became self esteem issues, and self esteem issues became social issues, and social issues became the basis of my personality throughout my formative years. and I don't want anyone to read this as me blaming my life on someone or something. I'm not. my life is what it is, and it's gotten to this point through a million different influences and a million different choices I've made. however, I made serious choices about my life and my health a few years ago. I started dieting seriously, and doing so mostly on my own. I'd tried a few times throughout my life to diet with mixed success, but nothing lasting. and this time - late 2003, I decided I'd do it again. officially, i followed the weight watchers program, and it worked well for me, but I rarely if ever took advantage of what most consider to be the biggest benefit of a weight watchers program - the social/community support of their meetings. I didn't like the idea of a support group, so I'd go to the meetings and get weighed, and then I'd go home and continue my day.

there's nothing wrong with support groups for...other people. I didn't want it because I knew if I could only lose weight with the assistance of others supporting me, then I'd never be able to continue it for the rest of my life, which is the ideal intention. this is not to say that I had no support, or that I didn't have anyone encouraging me throughout the journey - mostly family, as at this point in my life I didn't have friends (don't harp on that, it's just a fact, let's move on...). I did well with this program, and over the course of a year lost a considerable amount of weight. I was proud of myself, and happy with my progress.

as you may or my not be aware, losing large amounts of weight has its bodily consequences, none of which are very visually or physically appealing. so for awhile i was at an uncomfortable point where I was happy with what I'd done, but not how I looked. I decided that I should replace some of the weight I'd lost with muscle, so I began a workout regimen. it was good, and I saw improvement in myself and my overall health. for a few years following this, i continued both the healthy eating habits and the lifting/working out.

however, as some of you are likely aware, due to other life-events, none of which I plan to describe or discuss in detail in this or any other blog, my life made an unfortunate turn approximately 5 or 6 months ago. since then I've gone from working out at least 4-5 times per week to MAYBE twice in the past 6 months. it's embarrassing. it's frustrating. and it's unhealthy. leading up to that 'unfortunate turn,' when I was working out a lot, lifting weights on a nearly daily basis, I was eating more than I would have otherwise. I developed eating habits based around the caloric needs of someone who was physically fit and regularly active. since then I've continued those eating habits without the physical output. obviously, this works against me. to say I've 'let myself go' or some other coined phrase implying a major change would be inaccurate. I doubt most people who don't see me on a daily basis would notice much of a difference, but I do. clothes don't fit the same, I don't feel the same. my muscles aren't the same. I'm disappointed...

the simple answer is that I should resume my work out regimen, but that's of course easier said than done. things get in the way - lack of motivation is at the forefront, closely followed by my fear of how far I've slipped based on where i was months ago. i don't want to see people who I used to see every day, and have them ask themselves what the hell happened to me. while I know exactly what happened to me, I'm reticent to go back to the gym as one of those guys.

but on a more personal note, I don't know that I'm mentally prepared to return to that place in my head or my life. working out was very important to me, and since then I've re-directed much of my energy, time, attention, and concentration on other things - things which are likely not the best for me to focus so much on, so until I can amend my mentality, I don't know that I can return to the gym, or even to working out with any regularity.

Outside the gym, I would really like to have my own place to work out. I own a pretty serious weight set, though I'm without the means to use it at present, so that's another thing I may be seeking to change soon. if I put the money I would otherwise be (and annoyingly still am) spending on an under-used gym membership towards something of my own - weights, a bench, mats, etc. I could have something for the long-term, rather than just when I'm at the gym. notably - the bowflex selecttech 1090's...

that was just a little side-note, and this will bring me to the conclusionless conclusion of this blog. the next will discuss the next in the line of frustrations I'm mentally preparing myself to change...hope you enjoyed.

Goals

I have no plans or goals whatsoever for this blog.


So, I suppose, that is what I'll write about - plans.


Like everyone, I've had many different, differing plans for my life, and somewhere along the way, also like everyone, many of those plans have hit snags (or brick walls...though perhaps in light of recent events, brick walls should be read as SUV's). But also as with everyone else, my goals don't always work out, they become redirected, or otherwise simply fade away as I lose interest or move on.


I don't mean to say that no plans work out for anyone, or that people cannot set and achieve their own goals. As far as my experience is concerned, however, I've found the plans which come to fruition are those I've concerned myself with the least. There has been thought involved, of course, but not the brooding fixation which I feel plagues me and most likely others as well when it comes to certain issues or plans. For example: getting a degree was always part of my plan in life, however, I would rarely have listed graduating college as a goal, or part of some 'plan' in terms of something which I was actively trying to accomplish as an end of its own. I was always planning to graduate from college (though honestly I did have significant doubts about halfway through, but that can be an issue for another time), but graduation was just a step in the direction of an actual goal.

A real goal or plan for me is almost always abstract, or at least somewhat intangible - Happiness, Success, Love, Fulfillment, Respect, Admiration, etc. So, for me, it has hardly ever been about an actual end-goal, such as the college degree. Rather the achievements along the way are merely pit-stops on the path towards what I really want. This may also explain why I put so little stock in the milestones I've 'achieved.' I'm not ungrateful. I'm not jaded. I'm not indifferent. It's merely that my sights are set elsewhere. Graduating from high school, or from college, or getting fairly good grades, or getting a job, or a promotion or a raise...those things aren't important to me (not because I don't see them as good, but because I mostly see them as being a part of the journey elsewhere). The hope is that all those events or 'accomplishments' will inevitably bring me to, or at least towards one or more of those long-term, abstract goals I've longed to achieve.

I have some goals which are a bit more concrete, though I believe them all to be tied to the abstract goals above. One simple example: I want to write. I'd like to be successful at it. I'd like to be accomplished enough to make a living through my writing. Even this goal isn't all that concrete, because my visions for my writing end up taking me in many different directions. I've done stage plays, novels, short stories, video games, even some things which could someday become screenplays, and I could theoretically see myself being happy, successful, and fulfilled doing any one of those things. That being said, writing is still not the ultimate goal to me, as writing is simply what I want to do in order to achieve my real goals: i.e. happiness.

Perhaps it can be said that everyone desires the same things, and material possessions and concrete achievements are simply a means to the end of something grander and more personal and abstract, but I believe often people find themselves satisfied with what they find along the journey that the original destination - that intangible goal they consciously or subconsciously set for themselves - is lost or forgotten. Satisfaction is good, but rather than accepting what you discover on the path, shouldn't that satisfaction spur you on, and act as encouragement, demonstrating that your path is working and your goal, your destination, is on the horizon...?

Thank you for reading.

The Base/st

This is my first foray into the world of blogging, and though I fully expect to be the only one to ever read this, I'll write nonetheless.


The title of my blog is from a William Faulkner quote, stating that "A writer must teach himself that the basest of all things is to be afraid." As someone who once primarily considered himself (and who hopes to soon consider himself once again to be) a writer, I know this is true. True, however, in that fear is not only the basest of all things, but also, I feel, the base of all things. and this is what I'll touch on first.

I believe that (though I shy away from the word) everything arises, in some way or another, from fear. People fear being alone - they enter the dating world, make friends, business contacts, and the like, in an effort to stave off the looming possibility of loneliness. Also in line with this fear is that of leaving with world without having made an impact or lasting mark. Through this fear, I believe people select their life-path, whether that be family or career-minded, or both, people wish to leave a lasting legacy. People have children, help others, write, act, sing, research, all of which can and in theory do leave such a legacy behind. People fear abandonment - so they reinforce their relationships, they forge new, stronger friendships, and (if they're committed) will work diligently to ensure the health and success of these relationships (I believe this fear, in and of itself arises from the fear of being alone, which goes to demonstrate that these fears don't go away, but simply become re-directed). People fear ignorance, which I believe is the start of so much we do as humans. We strive to understand our world and all that surrounds us, and tied to the fear of making a lasting impact, I think that understanding of our world leads to a desire to improve the world, or at least a part of it. Essentially, life is about encountering, admitting, confronting, and ideally overcoming various fears. There are many more fears, and many more personally specific fears than I've mentioned. I, of course, have many other fears which potentially, in time, I may come to discuss here. But for the time being, I'll move on to the other portion of this entry...

Being afraid is a terrible feeling, and one which can be stifling, destructive, and seemingly insurmountable, but in recognizing the obstacles such fear can present, one sees the need to abandon fear, and leave it behind. To be afraid is to allow something else to possess total control, and regardless of the enterprise or endeavor, if it is something about which you are passionate, then the control should rightfully be yours. The quote itself is about the act or art of writing, which is a fairly personal matter (though that calls into question the act of blogging, I'll ignore that for now and continue with this line of thought) and any such personal matter should, I believe, be in your control. To relinquish this control is to sacrifice what you might have created in order to settle for what a fear-clouded mind might create. This is not to say that those who create, and create well, are without fear, or without the influence of fear, which i don't believe to be truly possible, but rather creators find a way to harness their fears - encounter, admit, confront, and overcome - to such a degree that the fear they have is but a catalyst to creation. Fear is not "the basest of all things," but rather to be afraid - which implies that what you are, in essence, is afraid: consumed and overcome by those fears. Whereby they do not drive or inspire you, but rather rule you.

From the standpoint of a writer, especially a writer of fiction, to be afraid is to muzzle your craft and thereby your work. The fear of standing out, the fear of trying and failing, the fear of not being understood (or worse yet, of being misunderstood), and even the fear of success can hinder an act of creation, and dwarf what might otherwise be a meaningful endeavor.



When it comes to writing, I've lived with these fears, and numerous others, for years. However, it would be dishonest and misleading to claim I've bested them, and that I'm no longer afraid. Were I truly the master of the fear and not its slave, I would in all likelihood be writing my novel right now, or I'd admit without shame that my other significant piece is what I sincerely hope to one day make into an epic video game story. But alas, I write a blog, and resist even the mention of turning a serious writing endeavor into something as stereotypically juvenile as a video game.


So, in conclusion, all I can really offer is to say that I realize in order to overcome these fears, and best this feeling, I can only go forward and fight for it. Being unafraid is an improbable and even impossible goal, but with each key I type towards the creation of something I will ideally love, I hopefully draw ever closer to that goal and to being unleashed from myself.

If you read, then I thank you, and welcome your input.