Frustrations #1

There's been a lot of stuff going on - some minor, some major. but in general it's just been annoying. car issues, computer issues, job issues, friend issues, and self issues. lately, I've been feeling this strong urge to perform a spring cleaning of sorts. anyone who knows me realizes that this is not a phrase i would typically use. cleaning isn't something I particularly like to do, nor is it something I go out of my way to do, let alone feel an urge to do. so, this spring cleaning is not literal, but rather personal, emotional, and social. I want to clean out my life, so to speak. I've been in this same spot for the past 18 months. literally. nothing has changed (for the better), and I've made no progress in any aspect of my life. it's incredibly frustrating, but not overwhelmingly so, just an ever-present frustration in the back of my mind.

maybe it would be better if the frustration were overwhelming. maybe it would be best for me and my life if I were unable to cope with the state of things, thus forcing me to take action, but somehow I doubt that'd be the best option. instead, I feel the need to make some sort of change simply because I want to, not necessarily because I need to. that's better, right? making a choice rather than reacting out of necessity? there are a few major places in my life that I feel the desire to change: bodily, socially, occupationally, and mentally. Granted, these changes essentially encompass everything in life, but luckily I have some specific ideas. I'll begin with the simplest to discuss - bodily.

since I was 5 years old, I've had weight issues. or rather, I've had food issues for my whole life. I love food, and as cliche as it sounds, food is comforting, reliable, and almost always the easiest answer to most questions without an otherwise easy answer. it's dumb (and don't tell me it's not). but food issues became weight issues, and weight issues became body image issues, and body image issues became self esteem issues, and self esteem issues became social issues, and social issues became the basis of my personality throughout my formative years. and I don't want anyone to read this as me blaming my life on someone or something. I'm not. my life is what it is, and it's gotten to this point through a million different influences and a million different choices I've made. however, I made serious choices about my life and my health a few years ago. I started dieting seriously, and doing so mostly on my own. I'd tried a few times throughout my life to diet with mixed success, but nothing lasting. and this time - late 2003, I decided I'd do it again. officially, i followed the weight watchers program, and it worked well for me, but I rarely if ever took advantage of what most consider to be the biggest benefit of a weight watchers program - the social/community support of their meetings. I didn't like the idea of a support group, so I'd go to the meetings and get weighed, and then I'd go home and continue my day.

there's nothing wrong with support groups for...other people. I didn't want it because I knew if I could only lose weight with the assistance of others supporting me, then I'd never be able to continue it for the rest of my life, which is the ideal intention. this is not to say that I had no support, or that I didn't have anyone encouraging me throughout the journey - mostly family, as at this point in my life I didn't have friends (don't harp on that, it's just a fact, let's move on...). I did well with this program, and over the course of a year lost a considerable amount of weight. I was proud of myself, and happy with my progress.

as you may or my not be aware, losing large amounts of weight has its bodily consequences, none of which are very visually or physically appealing. so for awhile i was at an uncomfortable point where I was happy with what I'd done, but not how I looked. I decided that I should replace some of the weight I'd lost with muscle, so I began a workout regimen. it was good, and I saw improvement in myself and my overall health. for a few years following this, i continued both the healthy eating habits and the lifting/working out.

however, as some of you are likely aware, due to other life-events, none of which I plan to describe or discuss in detail in this or any other blog, my life made an unfortunate turn approximately 5 or 6 months ago. since then I've gone from working out at least 4-5 times per week to MAYBE twice in the past 6 months. it's embarrassing. it's frustrating. and it's unhealthy. leading up to that 'unfortunate turn,' when I was working out a lot, lifting weights on a nearly daily basis, I was eating more than I would have otherwise. I developed eating habits based around the caloric needs of someone who was physically fit and regularly active. since then I've continued those eating habits without the physical output. obviously, this works against me. to say I've 'let myself go' or some other coined phrase implying a major change would be inaccurate. I doubt most people who don't see me on a daily basis would notice much of a difference, but I do. clothes don't fit the same, I don't feel the same. my muscles aren't the same. I'm disappointed...

the simple answer is that I should resume my work out regimen, but that's of course easier said than done. things get in the way - lack of motivation is at the forefront, closely followed by my fear of how far I've slipped based on where i was months ago. i don't want to see people who I used to see every day, and have them ask themselves what the hell happened to me. while I know exactly what happened to me, I'm reticent to go back to the gym as one of those guys.

but on a more personal note, I don't know that I'm mentally prepared to return to that place in my head or my life. working out was very important to me, and since then I've re-directed much of my energy, time, attention, and concentration on other things - things which are likely not the best for me to focus so much on, so until I can amend my mentality, I don't know that I can return to the gym, or even to working out with any regularity.

Outside the gym, I would really like to have my own place to work out. I own a pretty serious weight set, though I'm without the means to use it at present, so that's another thing I may be seeking to change soon. if I put the money I would otherwise be (and annoyingly still am) spending on an under-used gym membership towards something of my own - weights, a bench, mats, etc. I could have something for the long-term, rather than just when I'm at the gym. notably - the bowflex selecttech 1090's...

that was just a little side-note, and this will bring me to the conclusionless conclusion of this blog. the next will discuss the next in the line of frustrations I'm mentally preparing myself to change...hope you enjoyed.